Have
some jokes:
-What
do you call 2 orthopaedic doctors reading an EKG?
-A double blind study!!!!
A
woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring,
faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him
and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself
in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger
so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them
horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below
her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the
first knuckle on her second finger. Later that day, the doctor
is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the
elderly woman's left thigh.
You
have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
What
is the difference between God and an orthopaedic surgeon.God doesn’t
think he is an orthopaedic surgeon.
-Did
you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?-You take
it the day after. It changes your blood type.
After
receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks,
"are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies,
"Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctors
are whippersnappers in ironed white coats, who spy up your rectum
and look down your throats, and stab at solutions that pacify
fools. I used to revere them and do what they said till I learned
what they learned on was already dead.
Did
you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room? It
was cordless!
Late
one night the doctor's wife was home alone, after her husband
had been called to the hospital for an emergency. The doorbell
rings, and she answers. "Is the doctor at home?" asks
the man at the door, in a very hoarse and quiet voice due to his
aching throat."No, c'mon in!" whispers the doctor's
wife in return.
A
physician passed away and was being screened for the destination
of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit
of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain
what to expect. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter
greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed
to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of
his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish.
Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly
Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it.
Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified
to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and
other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood
watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein
groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and
foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing
caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed,
"I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's
not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES'
Hell!"
Dr.
to patient: "Well, Mrs. Jones, I'm afraid you're not quite
as sick as we'd hoped."
THIS
WON'T HURT A BIT: E.J. Mallory, an American Army dentist assigned
to occupied Japan after World War II, was asked to make a set
of dentures for Gen. Hideki Tojo, who was imprisoned awaiting
trial for war crimes. Mallory, knowing who the dentures were for,
inscribed a Morse code message into the false teeth of the man
who approved the surprise attack on Hawaii that brought the U.S.
into the war: "Remember Pearl Harbor". Mallory said
recently the gag "wasn't anything done in anger. It's just
that not many people had the chance to get those words into his
mouth." A ham radio operator, Mallory used code instead of
block letters to keep the message hidden. But the secret leaked
out within weeks, and Mallory had to wake Tojo in the middle of
the night to remove the phrase. The next morning, when an officer
demanded to know "Is there any truth in this report that
`Remember Pearl Harbor' is inscribed in the dentures?", Mallory
was able to truthfully answer, "No Sir!" (AP) ...He
took the words right out of my mouth.
A
man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live
very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.
"Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals,
and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are
going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat
cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think
of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the
doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he
adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin
beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live
longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going
to seem like an eternity".
Then
there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says,
"Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not
to hurt each other, aren't we."
Patient:
Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...
In
"Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance
Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat
anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came
into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said,
"I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't
remember nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about
this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made
of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the
man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well,
the man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then
yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it."
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you
can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the
next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other
pill." And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and
sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much
after that.
have
some cartoons >>>
